The Lord is doing a work in my heart. I'm not sure how all this will turn out, but all I know is this: two weeks of serving (again, praise the Lord) at Bible camp softened my heart and convicted me of sin in a way I didn't expect. Three days at my church's retreat reintroduced me to sin-issues I haven't faced in years. There is a growing sense of hatred dwelling within me...I'm not sure how to describe it beyond that: hatred. Hatred of what? I don't know, my self-righteousness; my hypocritical, two-face life; the lies and deceit that hide in my heart, even as I'm writing this. There are more things, of course, that I hate about myself. I heard Paul Washer say he had to, quite literally, stay in his closet for months on end earnestly praying for God to do something - to reveal himself - until God finally did do something in his heart. I have a feeling that perhaps I might have to stay in my closet until God does something with me. I need change, a deep soul-changing conversion. As I recall, this is the second time in my life I've seriously questioned my salvic status with God. I don't know - I've faced these things once before - but all I know is I desperately need revival in my heart.
There will be some who read this and say, "Michael, you're overreacting to the condition of sin in your life. You need to rest in your acceptance of Christ in your heart." My response to that is, "If my salvation is dependent on me accepting Christ as my savior, then I'm rest assured of going to hell." My natural self wants nothing to do with the life-altering, regenerative power of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The Bible says that a saved individual is a new creature, someone totally different than who they once were. Not just in action, but fundamentally, in nature. Am I a mere slave to cultural, American Christianity? I thought I wasn't, but perhaps I've even fooled myself. The heart is deceitful above all things, after all. Am I totally a slave of Christ? Answering in all honesty, I'd say no, I'm not. I know how selfish I am, I know the evil that crosses my mind and heart every day. I'm scared to death that I might die in this state, and I'm petrified of who I might become if things don't change. I wish to honestly say that I can give glory to Christ in all things, but I can't. God save me!
What ever happen to salvation being a supernatural work of God in the hearts of his people? Is that preached in our churches any more? Sadly, I'd say the gospel of Jesus Christ is not preached at my church. I've felt conviction here and there about some things, however I've never felt entirely gripped by the power of God in this place. I'm sick of programs, I'm sick of models and methods. How about preaching that people are not good, that people hate God and the only way to be saved is if they truly repent? It's not popular, but it's the truth, right? We need godly sorrow my friends! A sorrow that leads to new life and regeneration. A sorrow only possible if one is supernaturally called by God. My pastor once said that people already know they are sinners, so we don't need constantly talk about sin. What?! No, people may be aware that they do things that aren't pleasing to God, but that's not truly knowing one is a sinner. Sin isn't merely doing bad things, it's who we ARE!! Without even doing anything good or bad, I'm a sinner before a holy and righteous God, and by that mere fact alone I deserve hell. I've never heard that preached in my church. Perhaps God, in changing my life, will help change the church as well.
People know they are sinners when they are faced with the holiness of God and his fierce wrath. That's when people know they are sinners. When called by God, they will repent. If not, they will continue in their own will, living self-deceived lives pretending to love God while secretly reveling in their disdain for his holy and perfect law. Something has to change, and the change must first begin in me. James Macdonald said, when preaching his series on revival, that revival beings with the individual and spreads outward. Before we can have revival in our country, in our state, in our city, and even in our church, it must first start with me bowing in humility and fear before a holy and righteous God. May the Lord bless me with his presence and love, so I might bless others with the presence and love of God that dwells in me.
There will be some who read this and say, "Michael, you're overreacting to the condition of sin in your life. You need to rest in your acceptance of Christ in your heart." My response to that is, "If my salvation is dependent on me accepting Christ as my savior, then I'm rest assured of going to hell." My natural self wants nothing to do with the life-altering, regenerative power of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The Bible says that a saved individual is a new creature, someone totally different than who they once were. Not just in action, but fundamentally, in nature. Am I a mere slave to cultural, American Christianity? I thought I wasn't, but perhaps I've even fooled myself. The heart is deceitful above all things, after all. Am I totally a slave of Christ? Answering in all honesty, I'd say no, I'm not. I know how selfish I am, I know the evil that crosses my mind and heart every day. I'm scared to death that I might die in this state, and I'm petrified of who I might become if things don't change. I wish to honestly say that I can give glory to Christ in all things, but I can't. God save me!
What ever happen to salvation being a supernatural work of God in the hearts of his people? Is that preached in our churches any more? Sadly, I'd say the gospel of Jesus Christ is not preached at my church. I've felt conviction here and there about some things, however I've never felt entirely gripped by the power of God in this place. I'm sick of programs, I'm sick of models and methods. How about preaching that people are not good, that people hate God and the only way to be saved is if they truly repent? It's not popular, but it's the truth, right? We need godly sorrow my friends! A sorrow that leads to new life and regeneration. A sorrow only possible if one is supernaturally called by God. My pastor once said that people already know they are sinners, so we don't need constantly talk about sin. What?! No, people may be aware that they do things that aren't pleasing to God, but that's not truly knowing one is a sinner. Sin isn't merely doing bad things, it's who we ARE!! Without even doing anything good or bad, I'm a sinner before a holy and righteous God, and by that mere fact alone I deserve hell. I've never heard that preached in my church. Perhaps God, in changing my life, will help change the church as well.
People know they are sinners when they are faced with the holiness of God and his fierce wrath. That's when people know they are sinners. When called by God, they will repent. If not, they will continue in their own will, living self-deceived lives pretending to love God while secretly reveling in their disdain for his holy and perfect law. Something has to change, and the change must first begin in me. James Macdonald said, when preaching his series on revival, that revival beings with the individual and spreads outward. Before we can have revival in our country, in our state, in our city, and even in our church, it must first start with me bowing in humility and fear before a holy and righteous God. May the Lord bless me with his presence and love, so I might bless others with the presence and love of God that dwells in me.
Lord, you are king above kings. Lord above all lords. You command the armies of the earth. Kings and princes are your servants. You raise up kingdoms and make them fall. You command all people everywhere to repent, yet only call a remnant of people to yourself. Father, I come before you a broken man. I've sinned greatly against you, and who you have called me to be. Father, I'm even ashamed to be known as your son because of the wickedness I know I have in my heart. You know greater still the wickedness that lay in the depths of my heart. Forgive me, Lord, of all I've done. Take the self-righteousness, the lies, the deceitful nature. Lord, take the pride, hypocrisy, depression, apathy and laziness I have and cast it all into the sea. Lord, I beg of you, change my heart into something that reflects the light of Christ. Come unto me as a father to his son, beckoning me home. I hate all that I was and wish to never return to that ugliness again. You are my life, my only hope. Make me as salt and light in the world. Take away the shame and embarrassment, change me into something new. To you, Lord, be all the power, glory, and praise for ever and ever. Amen.
[End Post]
Michael,
ReplyDeleteThe words of your post moved me greatly, for I often go through a similar struggle. The longer I work in the ministry, the more painful my sin. Allow me to share some words which are dear to me on the subject.
From the Way of a Pilgrim and a Pilgrim Continues His Way, of the Orthodox tradition, a priest is hearing the confession of the pilgrim. The priest says, "You enumerated all the trivialities but ignored the most important thing; you did not reveal your serious sins. You did not acknowledge and did not write down that you don't love God, that you hate your neighbor, that you do not believe in the word of God, and that you are full of pride and ambition."
What follows, then, is the most beautiful of confessions. Rather than be discouraged, the pilgrim was quickened with hope, for there now would be no unconfessed sin and the power of God could pierce his soul (cf. Heb. 4:12). The efficacy of confession is not speaking, but acknowledging. Then, God can have full reign in our hearts, for we have surrendered even those things we are loath to part with.
We are met by God who says, "While you were yet a sinner..." That is our hope.
The Holy Spirit sanctifies us with fire, fierce and unremitting. Thomas a Kempis wrote, "A man has to undergo a long and fierce inner struggle before he learns to fully master himself, and to direct his whole love towards God. When a man relies on himself, he often comes to rely on human consolations. But the true lover of Christ and the eager seeker after holiness does not fall back on these things, nor does he look for pleasurable sensations, but prefers to endure great trials and arduous toil for Christ" (Imitation of Christ, p. 79).
I was reading those words only yesterday, reflecting on the condition of my soul. I puzzled, "Why, Lord, is my walk with you such a struggle!" The message is that we must endure -- not for the sake of simply making it to the finish line, but for running the race itself. We struggle as evidence that God is working in us.
A little later, Kempis writes, "I have never found anyone, however religious and devout, who did not sometimes experience withdrawal of grace, or feel a lessening of devotion. And no Saint has ever lived, however lightly rapt and enlightened, who did not suffer temptation sooner or later. For he is not worthy of high contemplation who has not suffered some trials for God’s sake. Indeed, the temptation that precedes is often a sign of comfort to follow. For heavenly comfort is promised to those who have been tried and tempted. ‘To him who overcomes,’ says God, ‘I will give to eat of the Tree of Life.’"
I don't know if these words speak to your situation, but receive them, brother, as encouragement from one Christian to another.
God's grace.
Mark