Thoughts on Human Love and Service to Christ

Sorry kitty, maybe later?

Whenever I'm sorely disappointed, let down, or heart broken, I tend to enter into a depression. As Christ has been sanctifying me since 2006, these times of depression have slowly changed such that, they become times of clarity for me instead of abject sadness. Through prayer, the Scriptures, godly counsel, and gospel sermons, I refocus on Christ, and I'm reminded of the reason why I'm still alive: to serve and enjoy Christ, and thus give him glory through my body.

Having a broken heart isn't usually a desirable way to start off the new year. Yet, this is what happened with me. Over the last couple of weeks, I have internally struggled with many questions and doubts, thoughts that won't be answered for a long time, if ever. However, today (1/25/2011), the Lord drew my eyes to this passage from "The Letters of John Newton", as found here at Monergism.com. I quote a selection below:

"Most of our perplexities arise from an undue, though perhaps unperceived, attachment to SELF. Either we have some scheme of our own too closely connected with our general view of serving the Lord; or lay some stress upon our own management, which, though we suspect it may possibly fail us, we cannot entirely help trusting to. In these respects the Lord permits his servants occasionally to feel their own weakness; but if they are sincerely devoted to him, he will teach them to profit by it, and bring them by degrees to a simplicity of dependence, as well as of intention. Then all things are easy. Acting from love, and walking by faith, they can neither be disappointed  or discouraged. Duty is their part, care is his, and they are enabled to cast it upon him. They know, that, when their expedients seem to fail—that he is still all-sufficient. They know, that, being engaged in his cause, they cannot miscarry; and that, though in some things they may seem to fall short of success, they are sure of meeting acceptance, and that he will estimate their services not by their actual effects—but according to the gracious principle and desire he has put into their hearts." - John Newton (italics and CAPITALS in original)

I have desired for a long time to be married. This most recent case of failure only highlights for me the subtle idols that lie in my heart.

Is my service to Christ dependent on whether I'm married or not? Of course not! Then why do I feel like the best way I can serve God is to be married? Didn't the Spirit of God, through Paul, say this to the church:

"With regard to the question about people who have never married, I have no command from the Lord, but I give my opinion as one shown mercy by the Lord to be trustworthy.... And I want you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about things of the world, how to please his wife, and he is divided.... I am saying this for your benefit, not to place a limitation on you, but so that without distraction you may give notable and constant service to the Lord." - 1 Corinthians 7:25, 32-34a, 35

The desire for marriage is certainly not bad, and the Spirit of God even said this about those who have strong sexual desires: "To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is best for them to remain as I am. But if they do not have self-control, let them get married. For it is better to marry than to burn with sexual desire" (1 Corinthians 7:8, 9). I think it's safe to say I can be described as one who "burns", as Paul puts it in this letter.

To use Newton's language, I have been "perplexed". This "scheme" of mine has failed, and the undesirable turn of events has thrown me off course. The issue is, as Newton suggests, an undue attachment to "SELF." I am too focused on my wants and my desires, with those things not founded on Christ. What do I mean? As Paul proclaims, "it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So the life I now live in the body, I live because of the faithfulness of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). My life as an elected, redeemed, called, justified, adopted, sanctified, and glorified child of God is found solely in Christ. Instead of rotting in my sins in a prison cell somewhere, God rescued me physically and spiritually to a life of active service in the church. I live now because of Christ's faithfulness to the Father; because Christ loved ME and gave himself for ME. This is simply amazing. And as I think about it now, perhaps the Lord let me sink to the depths of sexual depravity in my past to show me now just how over-abounding his grace is in saving sinners like me.

My desire is to, to paraphrase Newton, be motivated by love and to walk by faith, so that I can neither be disappointed or discouraged. Just as my loving Father knows all the sparrows that die, and counts me as more valuable than they (Matthew 10:29-31), and as he listens and answers his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night (Luke 18:7), I know he will care for me, even if I don't attain what I desire in this life. He has given me eternal life and joy through Christ; I am not cast away from his face because of divine love! If these things be true, then it is the height of treason to turn from him in times of trouble, as we doubt his love for us even while he has already shown the immeasurable height of love in the cross of Christ.

My desires for marriage, for loving a woman as Christ has loved the church, and for raising a family are good. Yet, I may fall short of success. This doesn't mean the Lord is unfaithful to me, but as Newton suggested, "they are sure of meeting acceptance, and that he will estimate their services not by their actual effects—but according to the gracious principle and desire he has put into their hearts."

My desire for marriage may continue for many more years, yet I shall strive to have my hope in nothing less, than Jesus Christ and his faithfulness.

Newton ended this letter with a reference to 2 Chronicles 6:7, 8. Honestly, I had to look up the reference because I wasn't sure what he was referring to. Turns out, Newton was thinking about God's denial of David's request to build the Temple. I end here by quoting these verses:

"Now my father David had a strong desire to build a temple to honor the LORD God of Israel. The LORD told my father David, 'It is right for you to have a strong desire to build a temple to honor me. But you will not build the temple; your very own son will build the temple for my honor.'" - 2 Chronicles 6:7-9